Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
