I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
