the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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