And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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