what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize