dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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