I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
