best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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