hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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