im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
