I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
