i may or may not be watching the land before time
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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