Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
