if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just want nice things and good sex
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
