He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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