Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
