Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
