can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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