i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
