haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
