Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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