I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
