i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
