i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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