If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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