i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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