I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
