i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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