oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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