i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
