I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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