Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize