Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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