If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
