I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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