She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
