Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
