I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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