Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
