she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
