i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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