The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
