I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
