Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize