so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize