i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
