awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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