I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
