ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
