I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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