and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
