You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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