We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
