You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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