Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I wish there were birth control emojis
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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